Lights, camera, love! As a queer person, I’m pretty biased when I say the world of LGBTQ+ relationships is enchanting. It’s the land where fairy tale romances are reimagined, and love knows no bounds. The proposal is one of the most exhilarating and cherished moments in many of these storybook-worthy relationships.

One question that still circulates in society today is: Who proposes in a gay relationship? In this article, we’ll discuss the ins and outs of this question with the help of one of the cutest couples in the world, Kat (she/her) and Diana (she/her). In my podcast this week, this engaged and soon-to-be-married couple shared their proposal experience as LGBTQ+ folks. They also offered some excellent tips to encourage you to let the spotlight shine on love and embrace this world where dreams are realized, and “yes” is just the beginning. 

Table of Contents

• Why Are We Talking About This?
• Diana and Kat’s Story
• Navigating an LGBTQ+ Proposal
• Who Proposes to Who in a Gay Relationship?
• What Are My Options for an LGBTQ+ Proposal? 
• What About Engagement Rings?
• Tips for LGBTQ+ Proposals
• Why Propose in the First Place?
• Kat and Diana’s Top Proposal Advice

Why Are We Talking About This?

How do gay proposals work? 

For many of us, the first idea that may come to mind when we hear this question is: Why is this still a question? Why is heteronormative society so confused about the inner workings of our love? We’re still talking about this for two reasons:

1. Society is (unfortunately) still very perplexed about all-things-queer.
2. Societal influences, lack of representation, and polarization about our identities can sometimes consequently make LGBTQ+ people confused about how to make proposing uniquely theirs.

I want to focus this article on the second point. Queerly beloved — this one’s for you!

Diana and Kat: Their Story

Navigating an LGBTQ+ Proposal

One of the realities for many queer folks is that the journey to the proposal can be a bit complex. In a world where representation still lags, LGBTQ+ couples may yearn for a roadmap that reflects their unique love stories. If you feel this way, you’re not alone!

First and foremost, I want to remind you that your proposal can be whatever you want. Do what feels right for you, your partner, and your identities. But, if you feel unsure about executing this momentous occasion, let’s dive deeper into various scenarios and options!

Who Should Propose in a Gay Relationship?

It’s no secret that society has conditioned us to believe that proposals should follow a specific script. The assumption is that in a heterosexual relationship, the man proposes to the woman. These patriarchal understandings have consequently led some people to translate these ideas into LGBTQ+ relationships — it’s often assumed that more masculine-presenting people will take the lead. But this couldn’t be further from the truth!

Kat expresses how we have the power to break free from these limiting stereotypes: “I’m very thankful that I’m in this community. The traditional sense to go about things isn’t easy for our community, but it also opens up many doors to do whatever we want.” At the end of the day, there’s no right or wrong way to propose — in an LGBTQ+ or straight relationship. It’s all about embracing the authenticity of your own love story and allowing it to unfold naturally in a way that makes sense to you.

What Are My Options for an LGBTQ+ Proposal?

Your options are endless! Here are some things to think about if you’re not sure which direction you want to take:

• Both partners can independently plan and surprise each other.
• You can plan your proposal together as a couple. You can decide to follow through at different times or have a double proposal (proposing at the same time).
• Some couples even unknowingly end up proposing simultaneously — which is a fun surprise in and of itself!
• You can propose multiple times throughout your journey, each signifying your ongoing commitment to each other.
• If one person is more keen on proposing than the other, it’s perfectly okay for one to pop the question, too!

The key to navigating the question of who proposes lies in open communication and a deep understanding between you and your partner. The magic often unfolds organically as you explore your dreams, hopes, and aspirations for the future together. Discussions about marriage and lifelong commitment can naturally lead to conversations about your visions for the proposal(s). 

What About Engagement Rings?

Again, it’s all up to you! If you and your partner love the idea of a joint ring-shopping adventure, where the joy of selecting the perfect pieces becomes a shared experience, go for it! On the other hand, surprises can be just as enchanting. You can offer some ideas to your partner about the type of ring you like, and they can take it from there. 

Alternatively, you can also choose to explore other options aside from rings. A watch, a pair of earrings, a necklace, or even something entirely different, like matching ring tattoos, can all symbolize your love and commitment — and any option you choose is special and valid, regardless of what people say!

Keep in mind that engagement rings are for everyone — there are no rules about who is supposed to wear them. 

Tips for LGBTQ+ Proposals

Since there are no rules about how to go about your proposal, remember the following tips to help you wade through any uncertainty:

• Discuss your proposal as a couple — it’s always important to be on the same page before taking the next step in your journey.
• Do what feels natural for you. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it!
• Consider your personalities — plan your proposal in a way that will make both of you comfortable. For example, in the podcast, Diana expressed that she isn’t big on attention in public, so Kat ensured that her proposal was in a calm setting with few people around.
• Tell your loved ones when you’re ready. If you want to sit and cherish the moment for a little while, that’s perfectly okay.

Why Propose in the First Place?

If proposals aren’t for you, then you certainly don’t need to do them. How you honor and celebrate your love is valid, and no one can tell you otherwise. However, if you are on the fence about proposals and want a little nudge, remember they are:

• More than just a gesture; it’s a declaration of love, commitment, and dreams shared between two souls. 
• A way to honor your profound connection as a couple.
• A deeply personal and intimate experience that can strengthen your love.
• A fun way to create a long-lasting memory.

Kat and Diana’s Top Proposal Advice

1. Communication is the secret ingredient: Have realistic conversations about your proposal and beyond. Ask yourself: Is this something we’re ready for? What can we expect?
2. Consume media with good representation: While representation still has a long way to go, there’s no doubt we’ve made some very successful strides. Look for media forms that portray your love story, and use these as references to navigate proposals, from your feelings to the actual process.
3. Do research: In the podcast, Kat expresses how there may be moments when you’re unsure if a vendor or shopkeeper will look down on your love. “You never know who is going to be the person helping you in those situations.” To prevent any discouraging moments, research beforehand to ensure you’re entering safe environments.
4. Make it a “just you” experience: Sometimes, when you let other people into your proposal plans, these outside influences can impact how you envision the occasion. Consider keeping it secret until it happens so it can be a moment just for you two.

Capturing Your Extraordinary Love Story

When it comes time to capture those precious moments of your love story, I’ve got your back as a queer wedding and elopement photographer. Reach out to me today to learn more about how I can be a helping hand along your journey! 

---