Choosing an engagement ring is a deeply personal decision for any couple. But, for queer couples, there are added layers of unique experiences and symbolism when it comes to this journey. The traditional norms surrounding engagement rings don’t always resonate with LGBTQIA+ folks, especially when society places such rigid gendered norms on the practice of proposing and engagement rings themselves.

In this guide, I’ll cover a bit of the history of engagement rings, the process of selecting the perfect ring (or alternative token), engagement ring ideas, and other tips and tricks to keep in mind for your proposal.

History of Engagement Rings

Engagement rings have long symbolized commitment, love, and the promise of marriage. Traditionally, they represented a formal agreement to marry, marking a transition from courtship to engagement. To symbolize the relationship itself, the circular ring shape signifies love’s eternal and infinite qualities.

The Western Historical Perspective

From a Western perspective, the tradition of diamond engagement rings can be traced to ancient Rome. Women often wore rings attached to small keys to symbolize their husband’s ownership. The modern custom of diamond engagement rings can be traced back to 1477 when Archduke Maximilian of Austria presented Mary of Burgundy with a diamond ring, setting a trend among European aristocracy.

In the United States, the popularity of diamond engagement rings surged in the early 20th century. This popularity was significantly influenced by De Beers’ “A Diamond is Forever” advertising campaign in 1947.

Cultural Variations

In some European countries, engagement rings are worn on the right hand. Germany and Scandinavia often see engagement rings for both men and women.

In other parts of the world, like Asia and Africa, cultural practices vary widely but commonly encompass the exchange of other types of jewelry, gifts, and symbolic items, and may even involve feasts and celebrations.

Current Views and Practices 

In the United States, diamond engagement rings remain a popular choice. However, there is a growing trend towards unique, personalized rings, including those with colorful gemstones, vintage designs, or ethical and sustainable sourcing.

LGBTQ+ Engagement Rings: An Introduction

When it comes to LGBTQ+ engagement rings, it’s important to point out that nothing makes them inherently queer. When we talk about engagements for queer couples, I’m speaking more about how we often don’t vibe with traditional narratives surrounding relationships, marriage, and commitment.

Navigating Engagement Traditions As Queer Folks

In Western cultures and heterosexual relationships, it is common for the man to propose to the woman. But, what does this look like in queer relationships? I like to say that we’re already pushing the status quo by simply being ourselves, so the first thing I want to make clear is that when it comes to getting engaged, especially in a queer relationship, you can do whatever you want.

If you’re part of the LGBTQIA+ community, you are probably familiar with some common experiences when it comes to choosing engagement rings. For example, some masculine-presenting folks may not vibe with traditionally feminine rings. Or some feminine-presenting people may want to forego the traditional diamond rings and opt for something more unique and personal. 

And, to be clear, choosing engagement rings extends beyond the masculine-feminine binary. As humans, we should be able to wear our symbols of love proudly without feeling pressured to fit in gendered (or masculine-feminine) boxes!

The Symbolism of an LGBTQIA+ Engagement

For many, we may think about how getting engaged and being married was not even legal in the not-so-distant past (and this is still a present-day reality for many countries around the world). As a queer couple, you might feel the heaviness of this truth—and it’s all the more reason to live the moment exactly how you want to. 

At the end of the day engagement rings and other tokens tend to symbolize these main things: your love, commitment, and identity. So, if this is what most LGBTQIA+ couples feel being engaged is really about, then why can’t we commemorate the moment with something that feels right and personal to us?

Subverting Traditional Industry Standards

With the engagement ring and wedding industry still lagging far behind our desire to be our unique selves, it can be hard to think about engagement rings outside of the gendered boxes that they’re often placed in. My hope is that this article will help you find inspiration to do your engagement your way and block out society’s noises telling you that a thicker band is for a man and a thin band with a jewel is for a woman (it kind of sounds ridiculous out loud, am I right?).

Choosing Rings As An LGBTQIA+ Couple

Okay, history lesson aside—let’s talk about choosing rings as a queer couple. 

Dealing With Non-Accepting Jewelers

As I mentioned in the previous section, lots of jewelers and other vendors in the engagement and wedding space still operate with cis-hetero views. Shopping online can be convenient because you can go onto these sites and purchase whatever ring speaks to you. But, when it comes to shopping for rings in person, it can get a little trickier. As queer folks, we have to be aware of how these vendors will receive our desire to blur the lines. You might experience some pushback or judgemental comments that don’t sit right with you.

To avoid this, my biggest tip is to research ahead of time and find jewelers and other vendors that are LGBTQIA+ friendly and affirming. That way, you can weed out all those uncomfortable encounters with people who just can’t wrap their heads around your ring choices—and it will feel much better to know you’re giving your money to allies or queer-owned businesses in the first place.

Here are some places I recommend that offer online and in-person shopping options:

• Anna Sheffield (New York-based)
• Brilliant Earth (Locations across the US)
• Automic Gold (NYC-based)
• LOLiDE (Seattle-based)
• Woolton & Hewitt (UK-based, but ships worldwide)
• Filigree Jewelers (Minneapolis-based)
• Etsy (Online only. Note: Etsy features a bunch of individual sellers. For more information on who you’re buying from, I recommend checking out their actual storefront page to gauge their values and practices).

The Process of Ring Shopping

When it comes to choosing rings, here are a few tips and tricks to keep in mind:

• Talk about the kind of rings (or other tokens) you would want for your engagement—this is the best way to make sure you get your partner something they’ll love.
• You can shop for your rings together to make sure you each get exactly what you want. This can be a unique bonding experience for your relationship, too! 
• You can send each other inspiration boards from Pinterest or other sites so you each have an idea of the general style.
• Don’t forget to find out your partner’s ring size! There are different ways you can approach this: Match the size of rings they already own, ask friends or family members, ask them in a sneaky way (e.g., tell them you’re getting them a gift), or just ask them outright!
• If your partner’s family or friends have a strong sense of their engagement ring style, reach out to them for help, if you’re comfortable doing so.

While some couples might find one ring and instantly fall in love, chances are, you’ll have to browse many options before you find the perfect match. So, remember to be patient during this process. If it gets too tiring or overwhelming, step away for a little bit and begin your search again with a fresh perspective. It’s a good idea to start ring shopping long before you plan to propose so you can afford to take time to breathe!

Different Ideas for LGBTQIA+ Engagement Rings

For those wanting options that aren’t like the rest, here are some alternative and non-traditional engagement ring ideas to consider!

1. Interlocking Rings 

This idea involves two rings designed to interlock seamlessly, symbolizing unity and a perfect fit. These rings can be identical or have complementary designs, highlighting the individuality and togetherness of the couple. 

2. Mixed Metal Bands

These engagement rings combine different metals such as platinum, gold, and rose gold, reflecting the unique blend of qualities in a relationship. This style offers a modern, dynamic look while symbolizing unity between partners.

3. Customized Engraved Rings

Simple bands with personal engravings inside or outside, such as dates, initials, or meaningful phrases. These rings offer a personalized touch, making each ring unique to the couple. 

4. Vintage Rings

Engagement rings with antique or vintage designs, such as Art Deco or Victorian styles. These rings often feature intricate detailing, filigree work, and unique settings. You can often find these at vintage shops or antique malls.

5. Fingerprint Rings

Rings that incorporate the unique fingerprint of your partner into the design, creating a one-of-a-kind piece that’s deeply personal and meaningful. These rings can be made in various metals and styles!

6. Birthstone Rings

Engagement rings featuring the birthstones of each partner, either side by side or intertwined, can add personal significance and a pop of color. This option makes the ring unique to the couple’s identity and relationship. 

7. Eco-Friendly Rings

If you and your partner value environmental consciousness, you can opt for rings made from recycled metals and ethically sourced gemstones. 

8. Nature-Inspired Rings

Rings with designs inspired by nature, such as leaves, vines, or floral motifs. These rings can be adorned with gemstones or kept simple, reflecting the natural beauty and organic growth of a loving relationship.

9. Crystal Rings

Engagement rings featuring natural crystals like quartz, amethyst, or moonstone. Crystals are often valued for their unique beauty and metaphysical properties, such as healing, protection, and harmony. These rings can be set in various metals and styles, offering a meaningful and spiritually significant alternative to traditional gemstones.

10. Tattoo Rings

For couples who don’t love the look or feel of a physical ring, you can get a permanent symbol of your love through tattoos. Designs can range from simple bands to intricate patterns, depending on your style!

11. Necklace Pendants

Instead of rings, some couples might go for matching or complementary pendants worn on necklaces. These can feature engraved symbols, initials, or even gemstones.

12. Bracelet Bands

Matching bracelets with symbolic designs or engravings serve as modern and stylish alternatives to rings. You can even get permanent bracelets welded to your wrist, if that’s the symbol of commitment you’re looking for!

13. Non-Jewelry Vibes

For couples who don’t like jewelry (e.g., rings, bracelets, necklaces) or symbols of jewelry (e.g., tattoo rings) because of sensory issues, personal preferences, or other reasons, you can also go for any other item that holds meaning! For example, special stones or crystals that you keep at your bedside can be a unique way to symbolize your commitment. Other options include engraved keepsake boxes, custom art pieces, engagement journals, or even an experience gift (like a trip away).

Proposal Tips for LGBTQ+ Couples

So, you’ve got the ring (or necklace, bracelet, or other token)—now you’ve got to propose. Like choosing rings, proposing is a deeply personal experience that deserves to happen in a way that makes you happiest, not how society tells you to do it. Here are some general tips to keep in mind:

• Talk about your dream proposal with your partner. Where and when would be your dream proposal? Do you want family and friends present?
• Consider who should propose first. If both partners wish to propose, it is also a good idea to talk about who would be most comfortable proposing first. Then, the next partner can propose shortly after in their own time (I did this myself!).
• Consider a double proposal. Some partners love the idea of a coordinated surprise or planned event where you both get to pop the question at the same time.
• Plan the moment. If you’re not the type to do things on the fly, I recommend preparing a speech and planning the essential steps that need to happen to get your partner to the prime proposal spot and moment.

Read more: Creative Proposal Ideas for LGBTQ+ Couples

Bonus Tip: Hire A Photographer to Capture the Moment

I recommend hiring a professional photographer to capture the moment. Sometimes, enlisting the help of family and friends can lead to blurry out-of-focus shots because they’re so excited to witness such a moment—and rightfully so!

This is where I come in. I’ve had the honor of capturing so many queer love stories, from proposals to elopements and weddings. And, as part of the LGBTQ+ community myself, I can provide some helpful tips along the way leading up to the proposal. If getting professional shots of the moment you pop the question is important to you and your partner, reach out to me!