So, Who Proposes in a Gay Relationship?
Last updated on October 5th, 2025
When it comes to queer love stories, there’s no rulebook. And honestly, that’s what makes them so dang special. Whether it’s who says ‘I love you’ first or who gets down on one knee, every relationship writes its own version of what love looks like. But one question still floats around a lot (especially from people outside the community): who proposes in a gay relationship? The truth is, there’s no single answer—and that’s the beauty of it.
This week on the podcast, I chatted with Kat (she/her) and Diana (she/her), one of the sweetest couples out there, about their proposal story. They shared how they each popped the question in their own way and what it was like navigating that process as an LGBTQ+ couple. Their story is the perfect reminder that love (queer love especially) doesn’t follow a script.
So, if you’ve ever wondered how gay proposals work or who’s “supposed” to propose first, this one’s for you.
Why Are We Talking About How Queer Proposals Work?
So, why are we still asking questions like ‘who proposes in a gay relationship’ and ‘how do gay proposals work?’
As a queer person, I ask myself this all the time: Why is heteronormative society so confused about the inner workings of our love? I think it boils down to the fact that the world still loves to put queer relationships into familiar boxes: one person “plays the man,” the other “plays the woman,” and so on. (Spoiler: that’s not how it works.)
But even within our own community, it’s easy to wonder how to make something like a gay proposal feel personal and true to you. A lot of us grew up seeing straight proposals in movies or on TV — the man plans the whole thing, gets down on one knee, and that’s that. When it comes to a LGBTQ+ proposal, there’s less of a cultural script to follow.
And honestly? That can feel both freeing and overwhelming.
If you’re sitting there thinking, “Okay, but in a gay relationship, who proposes first?” — you’re not alone. It’s something a lot of couples navigate together. The good news is that the lack of a script means you get to make your own rules. Whether you both plan something special, each propose separately, or skip the traditional moment entirely, it’s all about creating something that feels right for your relationship.
Diana and Kat: Their Story
Let’s start this strong with some show-stopping, adorable queer representation.
Kat and Diana met on the HER dating app. Their relationship started semi-long distance, with about an hour and a half between them. About a month after talking, the two finally met in person.
“[after the first date] I was ready to call my friends and say I met the girl I’m going to marry,” Diana recounts. “I just knew that was it.”
The Proposal
Diana and Kat knew that proposals were on the horizon. After talking about it and browsing rings together, it was only a matter of time until someone popped the question. Kat was the first to do it — she took Diana to all their special places that have significance for them as a couple and pulled out the ring on the Stone Arch Bridge.
Just three weeks after, it was Diana’s turn. They grabbed breakfast at a local bakery and had a quiet picnic at Nokomis Beach. For Diana, it was about making those everyday activities even more special: “I wanted it to be part of those small moments that end up being big moments.”
Navigating an LGBTQ+ Proposal
One of the realities for many queer folks is that the journey to the proposal can be a bit complex. In a world where representation still lags, LGBTQ+ couples may yearn for a roadmap that reflects their unique love stories. If you feel this way, you’re not alone!
First and foremost, I want to remind you that your proposal can be whatever you want. Do what feels right for you, your partner, and your identities. But, if you feel unsure about executing this momentous occasion, let’s dive deeper into various scenarios and options!
Who Should Propose in a Gay Relationship?
It’s no secret that society has conditioned us to believe that proposals should follow a specific script. The assumption is that in a heterosexual relationship, the man proposes to the woman. These patriarchal understandings have consequently led some people to translate these ideas into LGBTQ+ relationships — it’s often assumed that more masculine-presenting people will take the lead. But this couldn’t be further from the truth!
Kat expresses how we have the power to break free from these limiting stereotypes: “I’m very thankful that I’m in this community. The traditional sense to go about things isn’t easy for our community, but it also opens up many doors to do whatever we want.” At the end of the day, there’s no right or wrong way to propose — in an LGBTQ+ or straight relationship. It’s all about embracing the authenticity of your own love story and allowing it to unfold naturally in a way that makes sense to you.
Read More: Queer Alternatives to Heteronormative Wedding Traditions
What Are My Options for an LGBTQ+ Proposal?
Your options are endless! Here are some things to think about if you’re not sure which direction you want to take:
- Both partners can independently plan and surprise each other.
- You can plan your proposal together as a couple. You can decide to follow through at different times or have a double proposal (proposing at the same time).
- Some couples even unknowingly end up proposing simultaneously — which is a fun surprise in and of itself!
- You can propose multiple times throughout your journey, each signifying your ongoing commitment to each other.
- If one person is more keen on proposing than the other, it’s perfectly okay for one to pop the question, too!
The key to navigating the question of who proposes lies in open communication and a deep understanding between you and your partner. The magic often unfolds organically as you explore your dreams, hopes, and aspirations for the future together. Discussions about marriage and lifelong commitment can naturally lead to conversations about your visions for the proposal(s).
Read More: Creative LGBTQ+ Proposal Ideas
What About Engagement Rings?
Again, it’s all up to you! If you and your partner love the idea of a joint ring-shopping adventure, where the joy of selecting the perfect pieces becomes a shared experience, go for it! On the other hand, surprises can be just as enchanting. You can offer some ideas to your partner about the type of ring you like, and they can take it from there.
Alternatively, you can also choose to explore other options aside from rings. A watch, a pair of earrings, a necklace, or even something entirely different, like matching ring tattoos, can all symbolize your love and commitment — and any option you choose is special and valid, regardless of what people say!
Keep in mind that engagement rings are for everyone — there are no rules about who is supposed to wear them.
Read More: How to Choose Engagement Rings for LGBTQ+ Couples
Tips for LGBTQ+ Proposals
Since there are no rules about how to go about your proposal, remember the following tips to help you wade through any uncertainty:
- Discuss your proposal as a couple — it’s always important to be on the same page before taking the next step in your journey.
- Do what feels natural for you. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it!
- Consider your personalities — plan your proposal in a way that will make both of you comfortable. For example, in the podcast, Diana expressed that she isn’t big on attention in public, so Kat ensured that her proposal was in a calm setting with few people around.
- Tell your loved ones when you’re ready. If you want to sit and cherish the moment for a little while, that’s perfectly okay.
Why Propose in the First Place?
If proposals aren’t for you, then you certainly don’t need to do them. How you honor and celebrate your love is valid, and no one can tell you otherwise. However, if you are on the fence about proposals and want a little nudge, remember they are:
- A way to honor your profound connection as a couple.
- A deeply personal and intimate experience that can strengthen your love.
- A fun way to create a long-lasting memory.
Kat and Diana’s Top Proposal Advice
- Communication is the secret ingredient: Have realistic conversations about your proposal and beyond. Ask yourself: Is this something we’re ready for? What can we expect?
- Do research: In the podcast, Kat expresses how there may be moments when you’re unsure if a vendor or shopkeeper will look down on your love. “You never know who is going to be the person helping you in those situations.” To prevent any discouraging moments, research beforehand to ensure you’re entering safe environments.
- Make it a “just you” experience: Sometimes, when you let other people into your proposal plans, these outside influences can impact how you envision the occasion. Consider keeping it secret until it happens so it can be a moment just for you two.
Frequently Asked Questions About Queer Proposals
Capturing Your Extraordinary Love Story
When it comes time to capture those precious moments of your love story, I’ve got your back as a queer wedding and elopement photographer. Reach out to me today to learn more about how I can be a helping hand along your journey!
Further Reading: How to Choose the Right LGBTQ+ Photographer
To show Kat and Diana some love and learn more about their story, tune into this week’s episode on my podcast, Queerly Beloved!
Anna (she/her) is a queer elopement and wedding photographer with nearly a decade of experience, 200+ weddings, and 40+ elopements behind her. Her work has been featured in Wandering Weddings, recognized by Junebug Weddings, and praised with 50+ 5-star reviews. Shaped by her own lived experiences and relationship within the LGBTQIA+ community, Anna is passionate about creating inclusive, affirming spaces for queer couples. For her, documenting love is about visibility, connection, and community. Each adventure leaves a mark—literally—as she commemorates the couples and stories she’s honored to capture with tattoos from her travels.
