The elopement journey is a beautiful and deeply personal one. As a queer elopement photographer, I understand the complexities of eloping firsthand—including the range of questions you might face from family and friends about your decision to elope. This article explores the nuances of navigating these conversations, from genuine excitement and curious inquiries to criticism and other less desirable questions.

Handling Questions from Family and Friends

I want to start by saying that when you share the exciting news of your decision to elope, the reactions from family and friends can vary widely. Some of you might be met with wholehearted support and understanding (yay!), while others might face a wave of questions, ranging from innocent curiosity to full-on criticism. 

So, it’s important to remember that everyone’s situation is different. Your unique relationship dynamics with your loved ones will shape their responses. I intend to explore a wide range of possibilities that you might encounter and offer some guidance on navigating these conversations. However, there is no one-size-fits-all solution—my hope is that by sharing some insights, you’ll feel a bit more prepared to handle whatever comes your way!

Having the Conversation 

Telling your friends and family about your decision to elope can bring up a mix of emotions—for them and you. If you feel comfortable and safe, consider sitting down with them to share your news. Express your joy and the reasons behind your choice. Showing your genuine enthusiasm can often help others understand and support your decision, especially if their priority is your happiness. This could also be the opportunity to open the conversation to their questions if they have any.

On the flip side, if a sit-down conversation feels unsafe or overly stressful (which can often be the case for us queer couples, unfortunately), remember that you’re not obligated to disclose your plans to everyone. You can choose to share the news selectively with those who you trust and feel comfortable with. Your elopement is about celebrating your love in a way that feels right for you and prioritizing your well-being in how you share this news is perfectly valid.

With that, let’s get into some common questions you might face.

Why Are You Eloping?

One of the most common questions you might encounter when announcing your elopement is, “Why are you eloping?” This question can come from a place of genuine curiosity and interest in understanding your decision. Alternatively, it may stem from concern or even criticism about your choice to not have a traditional wedding.

If the question is well-intentioned, explaining your reasons with enthusiasm can help others see the joy and thoughtfulness behind your decision. Share what makes eloping meaningful to you—whether it’s the intimacy, the freedom to focus on your relationship or a desire for a more personalized experience.

On the other hand, if the question feels critical or intrusive, remember that you’re not obligated to justify your decision to anyone. Politely redirecting the conversation or simply stating that it’s what feels right for you and your partner can help maintain boundaries while asserting your happiness as the priority. 

Why Aren’t We Invited?

Another common question you may encounter when eloping is, “Why aren’t we invited?” This question often arises from a place of hurt or confusion, especially if the asker has been expecting to be part of your wedding celebration.

When navigating this question, consider the intentions behind it. It may stem from a genuine desire to understand your decision-making process or from a feeling of exclusion. Responding with empathy and honesty can help manage expectations and maintain relationships.

If the question comes from a place of hurt, acknowledging their feelings while explaining your reasons can create a bit of understanding. Share that your decision was made with careful consideration for what feels most meaningful to you as a couple, whether it’s privacy, intimacy, or logistical reasons. If it’s part of the plan, you can let them know that you want to involve them in the celebration in other ways, such as with an after-party.

If the question feels confrontational or judgmental, remember that you have the right to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. Politely but firmly reaffirm your decision, emphasizing that your elopement is about celebrating your love in a way that aligns with your values and desires.

Some loved ones might not even ask why they’re not invited, but it could be a good idea to address it anyway—because it might be on their mind but they are too afraid to ask! If you’re comfortable, consider sharing your excitement about your elopement anyway and address the “elephant in the room” by explaining your intentions and reasoning behind having (or not having) guests present.

At the end of the day, navigating this question with openness and respect can help bridge understanding between you and your loved ones, ensuring that while your celebration may be intimate, your relationships remain cherished and valued.

Read More: Do You Have to Invite Guests to Your Elopement?

But Aren’t Weddings About Other People Too, Not Just You?

There’s often this understanding that weddings aren’t “just about you,” but about other people too. While some families and cultures may hold this view, at the end of the day, getting married is a highly personal and intimate experience. At the core, it is just about you (and the obligation to make it about other people is more of an external society thing than an intrinsic thing).

Questions like this might make you feel guilty or selfish—and I can assure you that you’re not being selfish. So, be prepared for a question like this. When having the conversation, try to express your happiness in your decision to elope. You can explain how getting married is a very intimate thing and you want to prioritize your partner in the moment. 

If you do intend to have an after-party or celebration or involve your loved ones in other ways, it would also be a good idea to let them know at this point.

Are You Just Trying to Save Money?

The intention behind this question can vary widely. It may arise from a genuine curiosity about your budgeting priorities or from a perception that eloping is a cost-cutting measure rather than a deliberate choice.

If the question is asked with good intentions, consider explaining your reasons thoughtfully. Share how eloping aligns with your values and priorities as a couple, whether it’s focusing on the intimacy of the moment, prioritizing experiences over expenses, or creating a celebration that feels more personal and meaningful (instead of spending your budget on a large guest list and big venue arrangements).

Remember, your financial decisions are also personal. So if this question comes from a critical place, you can try to emphasize the emotional significance of your elopement to help shift the focus away from finances.

Read More: How to Create an Elopement Budget

Are You Trying to Be Secretive?

Questions like this often stem from outdated understandings of the very definition of eloping. Traditionally, eloping was associated with running away in secret. This is not the case anymore. If possible, explain the differences between the old and modern definitions and then share what eloping means to you.

It also isn’t your responsibility to keep your loved ones up-to-date on the latest definitions in the dictionary, so if the interaction becomes unpleasant, you can focus on your excitement or politely distance yourself from the situation.

Read More: Why Every Wedding Should Be A Little Queer

Why Are You Going the Non-Traditional Route?

The intentions behind this question can vary widely. Some may ask with a genuine interest in understanding your motivations for choosing a non-traditional path. They may be intrigued by the idea of exploring alternative ways to celebrate love and commitment. Others, however, may question your choice based on more traditional beliefs or expectations surrounding weddings. They might express concern about the perceived departure from customary norms or traditions.

If your loved one is simply interested in understanding this form of celebration, feel free to share everything you know—and everything that makes you excited about eloping. On the other hand, if the question does come from a dismissive perspective, remember that it’s also not your responsibility to undo someone’s entire belief system.

Won’t You Regret Not Having a Traditional Wedding?

One question couples may encounter when choosing to elope is, “Won’t you regret not having a traditional wedding?” This question often arises from concern that you might miss out on cherished traditions or experiences associated with traditional weddings.

Some people might intentionally or non-intentionally try to make you feel guilty or make you believe that you’re missing out on a traditional wedding. The key here is to hold strongly onto all the reasons you believe eloping is the best for you as a couple. Explaining these reasons to your loved ones can also help them see that foregoing a traditional wedding isn’t actually anything that should come with feelings of regret, especially if it’s something that you’ve never wanted in the first place.

Some loved ones might also think you’re missing out on the party and dancing aspect of traditional weddings. If you’re planning to have a party or celebration after your elopement, make sure you express this to your loved ones. However, if an after-party just isn’t your style, share your thoughts on this and how you’re much happier doing it your way!

How Can We Celebrate and Support You?

If you get this question, your loved one has likely accepted your decision to elope and wants to know how they can still be involved in the occasion. If you are including them in your small guest list, this could be part of your answer. However, if you’re eloping with just the two of you, you can suggest ways they can celebrate with you, such as coming to a post-elopement party, calling in after the ceremony, or helping with parts of the elopement planning and logistics.

Since your loved one is likely asking this question from a place of genuine care and love, it will make having the discussion so much more open and honest, which can strengthen your relationship along the way!

Will I Still Be Able to See Your Elopement?

This question often arises from a desire to witness and share in the joy of your special day, even if they can’t be physically present. If you have any plans in place or are open to having plans in place for sharing the big day with your loved ones, feel free to tell your loved ones your ideas.

For example, you can share your elopement photos with them, consider hiring a videographer to capture the entire ceremony, or even think about live streaming the event (signal permitting).

Taking Care of Yourself

Navigating conversations about your elopement can be emotionally complex. If these discussions feel exhausting, uncomfortable, or unsafe, remember that your well-being comes first. You have the right to set boundaries and step away from conversations that don’t feel supportive or respectful.

You can also lean into your partner during these moments. Support each other in reaffirming your decision and remind yourselves why eloping is meaningful to you both. Whether it’s focusing on the intimacy of your commitment or prioritizing your happiness above external expectations, your partnership is your foundation.

Take time to recharge and process your feelings. Practice self-care activities that bring you comfort, whether it’s spending time together, enjoying a favorite hobby, or seeking support from a trusted friend or community.

Need A Photographer For Your Elopement?

As someone who has worked in the elopement space for a long time (and is engaged and planning to elope myself), I understand the unique journey you might face, especially as an LGBTQIA+ couple navigating critical questions about your decision to elope. I’m here to support you through this journey—to capture your celebration of love and provide little bits of wisdom along the way.