It’s your big day, and you deserve nothing more than to celebrate your love in a way that’s most meaningful to you. If you’re feeling a little anxious about finding a wedding officiant who truly supports you, you’re not alone. This week in my podcast, I spoke with Liz from Liz Rae & Co to get her insights as a wedding officiant and her advice on finding someone who is queer-friendly.

Table of Contents

• What is a Queer-Friendly Officiant?
• Why do I Need an LGBTQ+-Friendly Wedding Officiant?
• Where Should I Start?
• What to Look For
• What Questions Should I Ask?
• 5 Things to Keep in Mind When Looking for the Perfect LGBTQ+ Wedding Officiant
• What if I Can’t Find an Officiant?

What is a Queer-Friendly Officiant?

A queer-friendly wedding officiant will lead your ceremony with genuine openness and acceptance, regardless of your identity. These people respect your pronouns and lived experiences and are enthusiastic about working with you to create a ceremony that reflects your and your partner’s love and values.

Generally, your wedding officiant will:

• Guide and instruct your guests.
• Write your ceremony script, typically sharing words about your love story.
• Facilitate your vows and other special elements you have planned on the big day, like exchanging rings, the “first kiss,” and the announcement of the official marriage.
• Sign the marriage licence with you, your partner, and your witnesses.

Why do I Need an LGBTQ+-Friendly Wedding Officiant?

As queer folks, finding an LGBTQ+-friendly officiant is vital for many reasons:

• Respect: While all officiants should, in theory, respect the people they work with, this is unfortunately not always the case, especially with the wedding industry’s deep heteronormative and traditional roots. Liz commented that “not being judgemental” is essential to being a queer-friendly wedding officiant. Everyone’s love story is valid.
• Inclusivity: A queer-friendly officiant may be more equipped to understand the importance of inclusive language and interaction that honors all forms of love. Maintaining this accepting environment is crucial for you as a couple and other LGBTQ+ folks who might be in attendance.
• Comfort: The most important thing about our wedding day is that you feel comfortable and celebrated. Everyone at your wedding, from guests to vendors, has an important role in shaping the ceremony. An officiant who understands and supports you is key to creating such an atmosphere.

Where Should I Start?

Start your search early. When looking for an LGBTQ+-friendly wedding officiant, the best place to begin is to search online. Make lists of websites that show a clear commitment to inclusivity and diversity. Additionally, you can ask your friends and family or contact LGBTQ+ organizations or vendors in your area for recommendations.

What to Look For

It’s crucial to critically examine prospective officiants’ websites to understand where they stand. Liz recommends paying close attention to the language used, the photos in their galleries, how they describe themselves, and how they portray their views about the wedding industry. Some key areas to look for these indicators include:

• Language on contact forms: Do they prompt you to enter the name of the “bride” and “groom,” or do they gather information through more inclusive language? 
• Social media interactions: If the wedding officiant runs a social media account, look at who they interact with and how they approach these interactions.
• Genuine LGBTQ+-friendly language: Be wary of phrases like, “I also do LGBTQ+ weddings.” This language categorizes queer weddings as an “add-on” or “bonus” to the primary offered service. While it may not be the officiant’s intention, this tokenizes the LGBTQ+ community. Instead, look for people who recognize and celebrate your identity proudly and publicly. Other good messaging to look for includes statements like “all love is welcome here.”

What Questions Should I Ask?

If you’re unsure about an officiant’s stance on LGBTQ+ relationships or other identities you may hold, feel free to ask them. After all, this is your wedding day and being certain about who you’re working with will enhance your experience and bring you peace of mind. Some questions you can ask include the following:

• Are you comfortable working with LGBTQ+ couples?
• Have you officiated queer weddings before?
• How do you capture love stories in a new and exciting way?
• Are you open to incorporating inclusive language at the ceremony?
• How will you ensure everyone at the wedding will feel comfortable and seen?

5 Things to Keep in Mind When Looking for the Perfect LGBTQ+ Wedding Officiant

Here are some other tips to keep in mind on your journey to the perfect day (whatever perfect means to you):

1. Gallery Photos Don’t Always tell the Whole Story

Sometimes, if an officiant is new to the industry, they may not have a gallery showcasing all the people they are willing to work with. This doesn’t mean they’re not queer-friendly; it just means they haven’t had a chance to be the celebrant for an LGBTQ+ wedding yet. If you feel someone’s gallery doesn’t quite tell the whole story, feel free to reach out and ask some of the questions outlined above. Remember, if you’re uncomfortable with being someone’s first queer wedding, you aren’t obligated to choose them.

2. Think About the Kind of Script You Want

Whether you want a religious, interfaith, or non-religious ceremony script, it’s essential to inquire about this before deciding. Some officiants are accustomed to writing from a spiritual perspective. However, most queer-friendly wedding officiants will be happy to listen to your needs as they’re usually used to the idea that humans are diverse and hold different beliefs. 

It’s also a good idea to talk about the script format. Do you want a traditional template, or do you want something personalized? Ensure you discuss the tone you want to reflect your wedding. This will lay the foundation for the atmosphere and overall mood. Don’t be afraid to review the written ceremony script with your officiant before your big day and suggest edits where necessary!

3. Meet Your Officiant in Person

Liz notes that meeting your officiant in person is important because you can “get a feeling if somebody’s going to be non-inclusive by the way they describe their process.” For example, if they have a cookie-cutter approach and explicitly or implicitly assume roles and identities, this is probably not the right person for you. From the perspective of an LGBTQ+-friendly wedding officiant, Liz says that the further she gets into the process and the more meetings she has with the couple, the more she feels she gets to know them. 

Ultimately, this meeting process allows you to get to know your officiant and understand if they’re a good fit while allowing your officiant to learn about your love story and identities.

4. Coordinate Location and Dates

Nothing is worse than finding the perfect officiant for your wedding and finding out they can’t make it to the location or date. For this reason, it’s crucial to start looking for celebrants as soon as you begin planning your wedding and setting the day. Officiants often book as quickly as other vendors, so it’s essential to prioritize this step.

5. Trust Your Instincts

The good news is that even if you can’t find the right fit for your wedding, you can reach out to those closest to you who accept your identity and relationship to officiate the big day. This can be a friend, family member, or anyone you trust! Keep in mind that they must be officially licensed (if you’re after a ‘legal’ marriage), so give them ample time to do so.

What if I Can’t Find an Officiant?

The good news is that even if you can’t find the right fit for your wedding, you can reach out to those closest to you who accept your identity and relationship to officiate the big day. This can be a friend, family member, or anyone you trust! Keep in mind that they must be officially licensed (if you’re after a ‘legal’ marriage), so give them ample time to do so.

Finding the Right People for Your Wedding

If you’re looking for the right celebrant for your wedding, check out Liz Rae & Co for all your queer-friendly officiant needs. Wedding planning often involves many moving parts — if you’re also searching for other vendors, like a photographer, contact me! I’m an LGBTQ+ wedding and elopement photographer passionate about capturing and celebrating all the unique love stories out there.

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