Do LGBTQ+ Couples Have to Ask for Permission to Get Married?

Podcast, Resources

January 10, 2024

Last updated on May 21st, 2026

Asking parents for a partner’s hand in marriage is an age-old tradition observed by many cultures worldwide. As an LGBTQIA+ couple, you may have talked about whether or not you want to include this practice in your marriage journey. While some think it’s a nice gesture, others think it’s outdated. 

So, do you actually have to ask permission to marry your partner? If you’re on the fence about this topic, here’s what other queer couples are saying:

TL;DR

  • LGBTQ+ couples do not have to ask permission to get married.
  • Some queer couples still choose to ask for a blessing as a gesture of connection or respect.
  • Asking for permission has historical roots in patriarchy and ownership traditions.
  • Many modern couples reframe the conversation around support rather than approval.
  • Whether you involve family is a personal choice based on your relationship and boundaries.
Table of Contents

The History of Asking Permission

The tradition of asking for permission to marry has roots in a very different time. Historically, marriage was often treated as a financial and social arrangement between families rather than a partnership between two people in love.

Women were frequently viewed as property, and fathers were expected to “give away” their daughters to a future husband. In many cultures, this process also involved a dowry or payment exchanged between families before the marriage could happen.

Because of this, the tradition has strong ties to patriarchal and heteronormative marriage customs. Typically, the conversation centered around:

  • The groom
  • The bride’s father
  • Family approval
  • Financial agreements
  • Social status

Needless to say, a lot of queer couples don’t exactly see themselves reflected in those traditions. That said, traditions evolve. Today, many people no longer view asking for permission as an issue of ownership. Some may see it as a gesture of respect or an emotional moment of connection. In other cases, some faith communities and cultures still see it as a prerequisite to marriage. It’s all dependent on the people.

Permission vs. Blessing: What’s the Difference?

When people think about “asking for permission” versus “asking for a blessing” to marry, they’re usually thinking about two slightly different things:

Permission comes from that old-school idea that someone (usually a parent) has to approve of your decision to marry. It implies:

  • Someone has authority over your decision to marry
  • Approval is required before you move forward
  • Your relationship needs external validation

A blessing can carry similar weight, but many couples frame it differently, shifting away from “approval” to feelings of:

  • Support
  • Connection
  • Shared joy
  • Being invited into the moment

For example, instead of asking, “Do I have your permission?” it becomes more like, “We love each other, and we want you to be part of this next chapter with us.”

For many queer couples, this reframe matters as it removes the hierarchy and replaces it with something more aligned with mutual, intentional partnerships.

It also opens the door for a softer, more grounded conversation, whether that looks like a formal sit-down, a casual chat, or simply sharing the news as a “heads-up.”

Why Some LGBTQIA+ Couples Still Ask for a Blessing

Even though many queer couples choose to skip the tradition entirely, others still do ask for a blessing. And there are a lot of meaningful reasons why!

For some couples, it’s about family connection:

  • Wanting to include parents or caregivers in the joy of the engagement
  • Honoring close relationships that matter deeply
  • Creating a shared moment before the proposal

For others, it might be about culture or faith:

  • Some families place a strong value on parental involvement in major life decisions
  • It may be a tradition that feels meaningful when reinterpreted rather than enforced
  • It can be a way to bridge modern relationships with cultural expectations

And for some LGBTQIA+ couples specifically, it’s about intentional redefinition:

  • Not asking for permission, but offering transparency
  • Transforming an old tradition into something affirming
  • Reclaiming the moment in a way that centers love instead of authority

Do You Have to Ask for Permission (or a Blessing) as an LGBTQIA+ Couple?

Short answer? Nope, it’s totally up to you.

I think it’s safe to say that we should shift away from those old, traditional notions of authority and ownership and lean more into a mutual agreement between partners. If asking for a blessing is important to you, go for it! What’s important is that you have this discussion with your partner beforehand to ensure you make every decision thoughtfully and intentionally. 

But if asking for permission is not your vibe, that’s okay too. Personally, my partner and I didn’t ask permission from anyone when we got engaged. I get it—traditions rooted in patriarchal, heteronormative traditions can feel a little disconnected from real life (especially as queer folks!).

If you’re debating whether or not to include this in your journey, you might find it grounding to ask:

  • What feels right for my partner and me?
  • Do we want family involved in this moment?
  • Are we choosing this out of love, not expectation?
  • What would feel most affirming for our relationship?
Couple holding out their engagement rings.

Asking for Permission: Thoughts from Real LGBTQIA+ Couples

I asked you folks about your opinions and experiences when it comes to asking your partner’s parents for their blessing. I got messages with a wide range of approaches:

1. We spoke to each other’s families to tell them of our plans, but not to ask permission.

“We both proposed, and we each spoke with each other’s families ahead of time, but more so, we told them our proposal ideas and asked what they thought of our plans instead of asking permission. They were all thrilled for us. When I talked to their dad, it was the first time I saw him cry—happy tears. The idea of asking permission as if we were our parents’ property, you really didn’t jive with us. So we felt good about going about it in this way.”

2. Asking for permission felt like it was taking away from our agency.

“Nope. My partner told their parents it was coming. And I didn’t say anything until after we discussed it. It just didn’t feel right. We’d both met each other’s families, but asking for permission felt like it was taking away from our own agency.”

3. It felt like an archaic tradition and not important to us.

“Nope. We had discussed it and felt like it was an archaic tradition and not important to us.”

4. My fiance is no one’s property.

“No, my fiance is no one’s property, and they can make their own decisions.”

5. We gave notice as a couple.

“We gave notice as a couple, but I didn’t ask individually because it would have been a no from the parents.”

6. This is our private relationship.

“We didn’t. We thought, ‘this is our private relationship,’ and the only person I really needed to ask is them.”

7. We had a super meaningful conversation.

“Yes, I asked both parents. And we had a super meaningful conversation.”

8. Just so happy that we did.

“I did. It just felt right for me to do so, not to be traditional, but just so happy that we did.”

9. I centered the conversation on future plans.

“I did. I centered the conversation on future plans and my ‘why’ of marrying her.”

10. I think this stems from my own culture.

“I did ask my partner’s parents, but I think this stems from my own culture.”

How to Ask for a Blessing (If You Want To)

If you do decide you want to have this conversation, it doesn’t need to feel like a formal request—or like you’re asking permission from anyone. Here are a few ways to make it feel natural and grounded:

  • Talk with your partner first. Make sure you’re both on the same page about how (or if) you want to involve family.
  • Center the conversation on your love and future together. Share your intentions, what marriage means to you, and why this person is the one you want to spend your life with.
  • Keep it a conversation, not a request. Ask for thoughts, feelings, or support, rather than approval.
  • Honor your own boundaries. If certain family members aren’t supportive, that’s okay. You get to decide who is part of this moment.

When you choose to have this conversation with parents, it’s usually about connection. Framing it as a blessing (instead of asking for permission) allows your partner’s family to celebrate with you, without taking away the agency you and your partner share.

What if Your Family Isn’t Supportive of Your Relationship?

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Yeah… but my family isn’t really supportive,” I want to slow this down with you for a second.

Not every LGBTQ+ couple has a family that feels emotionally safe, affirming, or even welcoming. And if that’s your reality, you don’t need to force yourself into traditions or conversations that put you in a vulnerable position.

You don’t owe anyone access to your engagement or your marriage decisions if it comes at the cost of your emotional safety or peace.

Here’s what I want you to know:

  • You are allowed to set boundaries: That might mean limiting what you share (or not sharing at all).
  • You don’t need approval for your relationship to be real: Your love is not up for review.
  • You get to choose your people: Sometimes that means leaning more into chosen family, friends, mentors, or community who consistently show up for you.
  • You are allowed to opt out of traditions that don’t feel safe: This includes asking for permission, asking for a blessing, or involving family in engagement conversations.

And if you’re somewhere in the middle, navigating complicated or inconsistent family dynamics, you don’t have to figure it all out at once. You can move at your own pace, in a way that honors where you are right now.

Asking Permission or For a Blessing to Marry: FAQ

For a lot of people (including many LGBTQIA+ couples), the answer is yes. The tradition of asking for permission to marry can feel outdated because of where it came from. Since it historically treated women as property and centered male authority, some couples feel uncomfortable recreating that dynamic in a modern relationship. Many queer couples are already redefining what marriage looks like on their own terms. That can make old-school traditions feel less relevant, or even disconnected, from their values entirely.
This can feel a little awkward, especially if your family comes from a more traditional background. You don't have to over-explain. You can keep it simple, saying something like, "We talked about getting engaged and made the decision as a couple. We're excited for this next step and want to share our plans with you."
Share your intentions, express your love for your partner, and talk about the future you’re building together. It’s less about asking, and more about starting a meaningful conversation.
You don’t have to involve anyone who has not supported you or your partner. Permission and blessings are optional—your relationship is what matters most.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. You can talk to whoever your partner considers family. This could be one parent, both parents, a guardian, or even chosen family or close friends. The most important thing is including the people who matter to your partner and making the conversation feel meaningful, not obligatory.
First—your safety and emotional well-being come first. You don’t need to disclose anything you’re not ready to share, and you don’t need to open yourself up to conversations that feel harmful or invalidating. Some helpful boundaries might include keeping details minimal, sharing information after decisions are made, or stepping away from conversations that become uncomfortable.
Yes. 100%. You do not have to announce your engagement on anyone else’s timeline. Some couples wait until they’ve had time to enjoy the moment privately, celebrate with chosen family, or decide how (or if) they want to involve family.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, there’s no universal “right” way to approach this tradition as an LGBTQ+ couple. You get to decide what feels affirming, respectful, and true to your relationship.

Maybe that means asking for a blessing. Maybe it means calling your parents after the proposal has already happened. Maybe it means skipping the tradition entirely and celebrating with your chosen family instead.

The important thing is that your engagement reflects your values, not expectations that were never built with queer relationships in mind in the first place. Don’t forget to talk about it! Your partner could have some very strong opinions about how they want things to play out.

Looking for someone to help you capture your wedding or elopement? Reach out to me! As an LGBTQIA+ photographer, I’ve worked with many queer couples to help them navigate their journeys. Aside from epic photos, I can provide practical advice for any stage of the process based on my own experiences and my time working with other couples.


If you’re looking for more tips on queer elopements and weddings, check out my podcast, Queerly in Love.

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