Asking parents for a partner’s hand in marriage is an age-old tradition observed by many cultures worldwide. As an LGBTQIA+ couple, you may have talked about whether or not you want to include this practice in your marriage journey. While some think it’s a nice gesture, others think it’s outdated. 

So, do you actually have to ask your partner’s parents for permission? If you’re on the fence about this topic, here’s what other queer couples are saying:

The History of Asking Permission

The tradition ties to the old view that women were a form of property and marriage was a financial arrangement tying two families together. Men were often at the center of this arrangement, specifically, the groom and the bride’s father. There was also often a dowry or a payment from the bride’s family to the groom’s family to set the marriage in motion.

To say the least, the origins of asking for permission are rooted in heteropatriarchal tradition. Nowadays, in most cases, this practice is seen as a gesture of respect—some may even see it as romantic. In other cases, some faith communities and cultures still see it as a prerequisite to marriage. It’s all dependent on the people.

Do You Have to Ask for Permission as an LGBTQIA+ Couple?

In short, it’s totally up to you. I get it—traditions rooted in patriarchal, heteronormative traditions can seem a little silly, especially when you’re part of the queer community. 

I think it’s safe to say that we should shift away from traditional notions of ownership and lean more into a mutual agreement between partners. If asking for permission is important to you, go for it! What’s important is that you have this discussion with your partner beforehand to ensure you make every decision thoughtfully and intentionally. 

But if asking for permission is not your vibe, that’s okay too. Personally, my partner and I didn’t ask permission from anyone when we got engaged. 

Asking for Permission: Thoughts from Real LGBTQIA+ Couples

I asked you folks about your opinions and experiences when it comes to asking your partner’s parents for their blessing. I got messages with a wide range of approaches:

1. We spoke to each other’s families to tell them of our plans but not to ask permission.

“We both proposed, and we each spoke with each other’s families ahead of time, but more so, we told them our proposal ideas and asked what they thought of our plans instead of asking permission. They were all thrilled for us. When I talked to their dad, it was the first time I saw him cry—happy tears. The idea of asking permission as if we were our parents’ property, you really didn’t jive with us. So we felt good about going about it in this way.”

2. Asking for permission felt like it was taking away from our agency.

“Nope. My partner told their parents it was coming. And I didn’t say anything until after we discussed it. It just didn’t feel right. We’d both met each other’s families, but asking for permission felt like it was taking away from our own agency.”

3. It felt like an archaic tradition and not important to us.

“Nope. We had discussed it and felt like it was an archaic tradition and not important to us.”

4. My fiance is no one’s property.

“No, my fiance is no one’s property, and they can make their own decisions.”

5. We gave notice as a couple.

“We gave notice as a couple, but I didn’t ask individually because it would have been a no from the parents.”

6. This is our private relationship.

“We didn’t. We thought, ‘this is our private relationship,’ and the only person I really needed to ask is them.”

7. We had a super meaningful conversation.

“Yes, I asked both parents. And we had a super meaningful conversation.”

8. Just so happy that we did.

“I did. It just felt right for me to do so, not to be traditional, but just so happy that we did.”

9. I centered the conversation on future plans.

“I did. I centered the conversation on future plans and my ‘why’ of marrying her.”

10. I think this stems from my own culture.

“I did ask my partner’s parents, but I think this stems from my own culture.”

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, there’s no right or wrong answer. It can be endearing to ask for permission as a way to say, “Hey, I want to be in your life, and I want to be a part of your life forever. Is it cool if I join your family?”

Many parents also care for their children immensely, so asking for permission can be a respectful way to let them know that your intentions are full of love and care.

If you have a strong relationship with your partner’s family, it can be less of a formality and more of a “hey, these are my plans. What do you think?” This can allow your partner’s family to feel like they can come along for the ride.

Whether or not you decide to practice this tradition as a couple depends on who you are. What’s important is that you claim your agency and make healthy decisions for your relationship. Don’t forget to talk about it—your partner could have some very strong opinions about how they want this practice to play out!

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Looking for someone to help you capture your wedding or elopement? Reach out to me! As an LGBTQIA+ photographer, I’ve worked with many queer couples to help them navigate their journeys. I’m not just here to take photographs—if you need extra guidance, I can provide practical advice for any stage of the process based on my experiences working with other couples.

If you’re looking for more tips on queer elopements and weddings, check out my podcast, Queerly Beloved.